a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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