How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
