Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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