I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Randomize
