He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
