why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
