she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I am spending my child support on dildos
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
