people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Randomize
