Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Found your dick twin last night
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
