Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
