I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
