I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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