An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just invented taco cereal.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
