woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
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