Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
