Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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