Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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