Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
