ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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