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the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
