oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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