so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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