so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
