she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
