So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
