Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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