I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
