i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
