I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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