so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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