Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
They have beer where we have blood.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
