Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
