"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
