I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
