how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
