can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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