mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
