Michael Bay diarrhea
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
