wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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