a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
