I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
