I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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