when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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