glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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