That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
