WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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