no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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