your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just found puke in my bra..
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
