I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
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