I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
