Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
