Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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