my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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