Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The air was thick with penises
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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