At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
